Windex cleans better than BLEACH
by happysmily
Summary: Random little chapters of CRACK EHEHEHEHE! Yaoi pairings are assured! Made by me and Ichixrenjismexy love
1. Chapter 1

Windex cleans better than Bleach

Disclaimer: Me (Happysmily) and Mag-chan (a.k.a. Ichixrenji-smexy love): coming up with the ideas, we get credit equally, 50/50, no one here deserves more credit. Other than Kubo Tite, eheheh...  
Kubo Tite: Obviously for making Bleach  
My Bro's comp: I hope to god he doesn't find this. I want to watch tv...  
Crack: mmmm crack...

Important notes: CRACKNESS AND OUT OF CHARACTER IS ASSURED lol xD.  
HOW TO READ THE CHAPTERS (may get a bit annoying)  
I will write the odd number chapter, and Mag-chan will write the even numbered ones, It'd be smart to alert to both of us.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

It was a bright sunny day, Uryuu decided that Ichigo needed shoes fit for days like these. Not those crumby ripped up excuses for shoes. He went to the store and went looking for some sandles. He scaled up and down the isles, looking at all of the shoes, pink ones, green ones, then he saw them. Perfectly white flip-flops with blue crosses on them, he looked at them in awe and got them before anyone else could. He took it to the counter and bought them. He happily walked out of the store with the bag with him. The next day he saw Ichigo.

"Hey, Kurosaki.." The Quincy said slightly shouting, running to catch up with him. Ichigo turned around to see his friend.

"Oh, Ishida. What's up?" Ichigo asked turning around to see his friend.

"W-well, I wanted t-to give you t-this" Uryuu said blushing. He handed, almost shoving a white box with a blue ribbon tied elegantly to it at Ichigo's stomach. Ichigo just barely caught it as he saw his friend run behind the corner. He shrugged and continued walking walking the other way. He opened the box and saw some flip-flops. He decided put them on, surprised to find out that they fit perfectly.

Squeak, squeak, squeak. Uryuu's brow twitched as he heard Ichigo's new flip-flops squeak.

"Yo, Ichigo. What's up with those things, they squeak as loud as when i step on mice" Orihime said pointing at his new footwear.

"You seem happy, who'd you beat up now?" Uryuu said trying to get off topic.

"Y'know the gang that was beatin' up Chad" She said. Ichigo and Uryuu nodded.

"Well I beat 'em up, totally weak mother fucka's, they couldn't get a hit on this girl, y'know wait I'm sayin'? Like they ain't gunna get some'a dis shit" Orihime said fairly quickly. She kept talking for a bit but stopped after awhile. Ichigo and Uryuu kind of stopped paying attention after a few words. "Y'know Uryuu, you need a bit'a bling bling y'know" She said showing off her necklaces and rings.

"n-no thanks. I'm not into that sort of thing" Uryuu said bushing a bit.

"C'mon, get rid'a those dorky glasses and get some new duds, we gotta get 'yo some new shoes too." The female gangster pointed out. Uryuu squirmed a bit in discomfort, he didn't feel to comfortable about him being a gangster. He felt a hand on his head.

"It's alright Uryuu, you're fine just the way you are" Ichigo said. Uryuu blushed madly and looked away. Orihime laughed at his girlish actions

"You're such a girl Uryuu!" She blurted out laughing. As Orihime was telling Uryuu how to be a gangster, Ichigo stood up and walked away, the squeak from his footwear being highly noticed. That's when Uryuu had it. He tackled Ichigo to the ground, sat on his stomach and looked down at the strawberry.

"I can't take it anymore..." Uryuu said a bit evily. Ichigo looked up at the boy "Those shoes HAVE to go!" He said and jumped off his partner to his feet and pryed off the sandles. He ran to a corner with them and started gnawing them to shreds, Ichigo looked at his friend gnawing his shoes awkwardly. He shrugged it off anyways and walked home with the occational 'ow' from some hard object stabbing at his feet. He never knew why he had friends like that, he never understood them.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

WAHH! I'm SO SAD, not only was it not short. THERE WASN'T ENOUGH CRACK! I PROMISE THE THIRD CHAPTER TO BE ALL CRACKY!

and if you didn't know  
Inoue Orihime Badass Gangsta (just supporting the crack)  
Ishida Uryuu Girl like personality (cause he's so cute like that)  
Kurosaki Ichigo Completely Dense (never knows what the fuck just happend)

CHAPTER 2 AT "Ichixrenji-smexy love" WILL SOON BE UP!


	2. Chapter 3

Third Chapter of TEH CRACK.

so yeah, this is the third chapter, I'm trying to finish this quickly but not rush it. We have to hold our own weight, the other person can't start writting until the first person finishes. I'm just getting it out of the way.

Disclaimer: Kubo Tite: I BOW DOWN TO YOU

and everything else I'm to lazy to mention: yeah.. thanks..

(note to Mag-chan: I SOOO knew that!)

Warnings for this chapter: w.t.f.ness, REALLY BAD LYRICS THAT I MADE UP :D (I'm not a rapper, i just tryed to make it sound offensive and rhyming, DON'T HURT MEH D:)

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Chapter 3: Tide

"So Hime-chan, what are you singing for the highschool musical auditions?" Chizuru asked staring at a few guys

"Yo, ain't it obvious. I'm gonna do some'a dat rap." Orihime said putting her feet on her desk table.

"Could we hear some?" The red headed female asked happily.

"Well only a bit" Orihime said and stood up on desk. She started beat boxing and sang  
_Yo all homes, high and low._

_Yo all treated all like ho's_

_Yo got no dick_

_so y'all a chick_

_Get somethin down there you mofo._

_(more beat boxing)_

_Stop bein' a pussy_

_and play with your sissy_

_She's got more balls than yo_

_So get a dick you gaymo._

"O-Orihime! T-that's good enough, you wouldn't wanna spoil it for everyone right!?" Chiruru yelled out to stop her friend from being suspended, yet again.

"Yeah, you're right." Orihime jumped back into her seat and eyed her jewerly that was piled up on her. Everyone gave a sigh of releif that they didn't have to hear that any longer, and probably won't for the musical, probably.

"Oi Keigo, what part do you want in the musical?" Ichigo asked at the usual spot on the roof.

"I don't know. Something that wouldn't take too much memorizing. I still have to play MMORPG's y'know. There are many good ones coming out right now. Being lvl 70 on WoW is getting boring, I've even had to play runescape for god's sake! Do you know how BORED I was, I've tryed everything, Maple Story, Trickster, Linage 2, Mabinogi, Space Cowboy, DIABLO, Ragnarok, and all those other lame games!" Keigo responded confusing usual. Uryuu looked at Ichigo and blushed a bit, Ichigo was too busy talking to Keigo to notice. Uryuu looked at his watch and noticed that the bell was about to ring, when it was the fire alarm. The whole school paniced and ran out. Uryuu, Ichigo and Keigo were on the roof wondering how the hell to get down.

"Yo, Ichigo!" Orihime said happily. The trio turned around to see a slightly burnt and Orihime. "It's just a smoke bomb, no biggie. So c'mon before the man gets you" Orihime said running down the stairs. Ichigo went down followed my Uryuu and Keigo. When they got out they saw Orihime getting charged and a smoke bomb. Everyone sighed and went back inside, finishing the rest of the day with masks and inhalers. Uryuu and Ichigo were walking home as usual since Ichigo's house was on the way, Uryuu's was a bit farther.

On Uryuu's computer

_**694U has just logged on**_

**LastQuincy: **Hey, Shuuhei! Anything new 'bout that new guy?

**694U:** Hey'd you get a name change. Well nevermind that. HE is SO FREAKING HOT!!!!!!! HE'S GOT TATTOOS ON HIS BODY!!!!1

**LastQuincy: **WHAT!? Where? How many? What's his name???/

**694U:** He's got them on his head, arms, and chest! That's all I've seen so far, I don't know if he has any more. And his name is Abarai Renji! That's all i know so far but srsly O M G.

**LastQuincy:** OMG you HAVE to be a couple. It'd be SO COOL!

**694U:** So anything new with your strawberry

**LastQuincy:** What!? Um.. No.. Nothing really.

**694U: **You gotta make a move!

**LastQuincy: **I know! But I don't wanna stalk him! Or I don't know maybe I do! But I don't wanna ruin what we have.

**694U: **It's called taking a chance. Duh. Anyways G2G Cya

**LastQuincy: **kk cya.

_**694U has logged off, Messages you send will be delivered when they log in**_

Uryuu was bored and decided to go to he WoW chatroom.

(I have very little knowladge of WoW so yeah )

_**LastQuincy logging in.**_

_**Ishida Uryuu**_

_**LastQuincy**_

_**Blood Elf**_

_**Hunter**_

_**Level 70**_

_**Correct? **__**Yes**__**/No**_

**DedPladin: **lololol hey Quincy wuzzup?

**UglehGrnMan: **Yeh hvn't seen you in awhle eh?

**LastQuincy:** Ah, sorry. There's this musical at my school that I'm taking part of

**DedPladin: **O Rly? Sounds lame. anywayz could you gimme a few gold, help meh on a quest or two?

**LastQuincy: **Do it yourself for once, I worked hard to get them too.

**UglehGrnMan: **I can see you Quincy. I'm looking though your window. You've got a nice ass too.

**LastQuincy: **WTF!?

**DedPladin:** WTF!? STALKER!

**UglehGrnMan: **I'm going to make you mine, Quincy

_**UglehGrnMan has logged off.**_

**LastQuincy: **THIS is why I don't play anymore

**DedPladin:** LOLOLOL DN'T DIE QUINCY LOLOLOL AHH WTF OMG LAG!!!!111

_**DedPladin has been disconnected.**_

**LastQuincy: **Maybe i should just go..

_**LastQuincy logged off.**_

Uryuu looked at his window and saw nothing. He shrugged and looked at his clock '12:24'

"I'll go to bed in an hour" He said to himself and started to find out what he should wear tomorrow. Then he went to the kitchen and got a gramcracker, ate it, thought about smores and went to bed anyways when it was '1:08'

Ichigo woke up with the sound of birds again. It was starting to annoy him a bit. He always thought about taking a shot gun and killing a few, but the locals would be even more afraid of him. He got up and looked for something to wear. After throwing on a brown T-shirt saying "Here, have a nice cup of SHUT THE FUCK UP" and some random blue pants he went down to look for something to eat.

"Milk, apples, milk, beef, milk, god's taco, milk, tofu, milk, milk... Wait.. Where the fuck are we.. nevermind." He got some toast from the toaster picked up his school bag and left for school. As he was walking he turned on his ipod and noticed that the little sweater on it was coming apart. He panicked at first and after curling up by a corner he ran to Uryuu's house to get it fixed. Uryuu was about to leave when he saw Ichigo at his door. "URYUU, MY IPOD, HIS SWEATER" He cried out.

"I'll fix it at school, we'll be late if we don't hurry up" Uryuu said grabbing his wrist and tugging him away.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

YAY I'm more satisfied with this xD see told you it'd be a bit more cracky. No i don't have anything against blacks/whites/purples. I'm like asian and white lol. I just don't like rap, i'm not really dissing it though, just my personal opinion. I hate WoW though, oh if you do play, alliance sucks, it's full of stupid 12 year olds and noobs, horde is a crap load more mature and not as gay.

CRACK WILL BUILD UP!

CHAPTER 4 AT "Ichixrenji-smexy love" :3


	3. Chapter 5

**I don't own bleach/pokemon nor anyfing else. Crazy minds are good minds :3**

**Warnings: Crack, Attempted Rape (lol), Horrible spelling (cause I don't have the attention span to re read)**

Arm & Hammer

Ichigo was having a wonderful time, singing to his hearts content while washing himself in the little sink. He remembered the lines perfectly and was perfecting his singing in the sink. When he was done he jumped onto the floor mat and turned off the water. After drying himself off, he got dressed and left the bathroom.

"Hello iPod and Timmy!" Ichigo said happy to the iPod and it's sweater. "I'm going to rehursles (no i can't type) today!" He stared blankly at the little iPod and 'assumed' it said 'okay'. Ichigo walked to the kitchen. "milk, milk, sushi, milk, cheese, milk, yogurt, milk, milk, chocolate milk, strawberry cow, milk, milk.. What's with this obsesstion of milk?" Ichigo shrugged it off and walked out the door with a piece of toast in his mouth. He walked out and almost bumped right into Byakuya. "Ah, sorry Byakuya, didn't see you there" Ichigo said apoligizingly. Byakuya looked at Ichigo expressionless.

"Do you know.."

"Do I know..?"

"Do you know where to find, Pancakes." Ichigo looked at Byakuya confused at the question.

"I really like pancakes. Do you know where to find any."

"At the store, but I gotta go. Bye!" Ichigo said and ran off.

Ichigo looked down at his desk and saw an knitted iPod sleeping bag type thing. Ichigo started bouncing slightly in exitement.

"I'm naming you George!" Ichigo yelled happily ignoring the other people looking at him. "Wait, if my iPod goes into Timmy, and Timmy goes into George, that would make him a girl! So I'm gunna call her, Georgina!"

Renji was sitting infront of Ichigo's desk and smirked at bit at the boy's excitement

_'Geez, how could he get so exited over iPod accesories, I thought only girls did that' _The red head thought to himself. Uryuu came a bit later on.

"Kurosaki-kun, um. Where'd you get that?" The Quincy asked pointing at Georgina.

"I don't know, but it was on my desk!"

"I see." Uryuu replied a bit jealous 'I_'m not going to let ANYONE take MY Ichigo from me!_' he thought to himself. Moments later there was a tap at the front.

"Good morning class"

"Good morning Kyouraku-sensei!"

"Don't make me say it again, It's Shunsui-san, alright ladies?" He stood still as a variety of objects were thrown at him but missed, most from Orihime. "Orihime-san, remember what I told you about bringing knives to school, you'll get them confinscated and you'll never get them back."

"Up yours ya' hater, you're just with the man!" Orihime yelled throwing a pocket knife at him, but obviously missed.

"Now, now Orihime-san. Take your seat so we may start the lesson" Shunsui said ignoring the swearing and bitching at the back. The whole time, Shuuhei had his eyes on Renji, Renji had his eyes on Ichigo, Uryuu had his eyes on Ichigo, and Ichigo had his eyes on Georgina and having fantasies of him, iPod, Timmy and Georgina, hopping in circles in a big field of milk.

During the break, Ichigo and Uryuu went up to the roof where they usually went to, only to be followed by Renji, which was followed by Shuuhei, which was followed by dancing pikachu plushies. They all sat down, Uryuu surprised seeing Renji, ignoring Shuuhei a bit.

"So Ichigo, I'm sure you're doing well in that musical I've heard about." Renji said taking a sip from his milk.

"Oh yeah, I'm doing super-special-awsome!" Ichigo said happily taking a bite from his cheese and crackers.

"Oh yeah, did anyone meet up with Byakuya this morning?" Shuuhei asked eating an ice cream float. The other three nodded. "What's up with the whole 'pancake thing?" They shrugged except who Uryuu who blushed a deep red.

"What's up Ishida?" Ichigo asked.

"Well, apparently, Kuchiki-san said that I was his favourite..." He pushed up his glasses a bit "Pancake..." The three other boys laughed until they started crying from laughter. "Oh, shut up!" Uryuu said a bit preppy like. The three kept laughing, and dancing Pikachu plushies were dancing in the background

The end of the day, everyone was overjoyed and danced out of the school. Uryuu walked out and walked home alone. He walked into his house and dropped off his stuff in the closet.

"Ichigo, you are one weird guy" He said to himself while getting some bacon from his frying pan

"Hello, pancake."

"HOLY SHI- oh, Kuchiki-san, um may i help you?"

"Make me. Pancakes."

"Uhm, alright then." Uryuu said confused. He lit the stove and started on the pancakes. With the help of Mr. Fuzzles, he was done in no time. He served the pancakes to Byakuya who ate them in 5 seconds flat. He even timed him on that too.

"I desire more pancakes"

"We haven't got anymore"

"Then i shall have you."

"Wait, Wha- !?" Uryuu said before being cut off by a glomping Byakuya. He was sore all over, but if he wasn't that wouldn't be a good glomp would it? Byakuya pinned Uryuu's arms on the ground.

"Just relax little pancake and it won't hurt"

"_**RAPE!!**_" Uryuu shouted

"It's not _rape_ It's just, _surprise sex_ now, stop fidgeting little pancake." Byakuya said as he licked the boy's neck. Uryuu instantly freaked out and started squirming around.

"NO! Stop! The power of the Quincy compells you! The power of the Quincy compells you!" He shouted.

"What's going oooh my god, am I interuppting something?" Ichigo asked while slowly walking into the room.

"Kurosaki! Help me! He's trying to rape me!" Uryuu pleaded.

"I dunno, lemme ask Orihime" Ichigo said and left.

"Don't leave me!"

"Now you're all mine little pancake!"

"Yo, get da fuck offa Uryuu bitch!" Orihime said to the dead rapeist.

"Fine, but I want pancakes"

"Alright, but ask one of those characters that no one likes, like Chad or something"

"I shall accept then."

Deep in the dark depths of Shuuhei's room, he's been taping countless pictures of Renji in his Journal and talking about him in his Live Journel.

"They say that I'm being over obsessive! But I am SO not!" Shuuhei said stroking his lovely book of Renji's pictures "The real thing would be so nice.. his hands all over me.." he trailed off into his thoughts, drool escaping from his mouth pouring onto the floor, he made sure the his precious book was back in case to prevent anything from happening to it. He petted his case goodnight, kissed it and dreamt of his lovely Renji.

okay, that's it, teh edn. I don't feel like writing crack right now xD and i didn't feel like it when i wrote this, but Ichigoxrenji-smexy love gave me $5 so i could buy a drink, I was really thirsty, so yeah.

P.S... Don't kill me for this but.

Harry Potter sucks.


End file.
